Reminiscence
by solitaryloner
Summary: At some point in their lives, everyone will make a mistake. It doesn't matter how many mistakes you make, or how stupid those mistakes are - what is important is that you learn from them. Never forget your mistakes. Hold them close to your heart, but always remember to move on from that point, and look forward to better things. ReiXLenka, for The Musing Airhead.


_**Solitaryloner: **__This is a (long overdue) one shot for The Musing Airhead. ReiXLenka. And there should be a bitter-sweet ending. I have no idea what I'm going to write for this, so let's see what my mind can come up with._

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He was always watching her.

She didn't notice. But he was always, always staring at her - the way her golden-blond hair shimmered under the lights, how her vivid blue eyes were always shining with good humour, the way she laughed and smiled whenever she found something funny. He found all of that strangely...magnetic. So attractive that he couldn't help feeling rather repelled by her.

He didn't hate her, or anything like that. He just found her a little strange at times. She wasn't anything like him - she was so different from him that, at times, the two of them were like two different species altogether. She was the popular one. The golden girl. The girl everyone knew. He was nothing, nothing but a faceless face in the crowd. He was the school loner, one could say. No one knew who he really was.

No one but her. It came as a great surprise to him, when one day, she came up to him and asked him for his name. He just stood there, stunned, wondering why someone as perfect as her would ever want to ask him anything personal. He was just a nobody, after all.

_''Hi! My name is Lenka! Lenka Kagamine! You know, even though we're classmates and everything, we've never really spoken before, have we? Ah, but I'm talking too much, as usual...your name is Rei Kagene, isn't it?''_

_''Um, yeah...my name is Rei Kagene. How did you know...?'' _

_''Oh, well, I do pay attention to what people talk about, you know. Most people know who you are...I do, too. And I'm sorry about that.''_

_''...I see...''_

They became friends some time after that. The black haired loner, and the popular golden girl. It wasn't something that he had expected, really, when she first came up to him to talk to him. It was a twist of fate, perhaps. He didn't know, actually. Maybe there was some divine being out there, answering all his silent cries?

His soundless pleas for a friend. Someone. Anyone. To take notice of him, to actually care, for once. Because, ever since his twin sister died - _it was all his fault _- no one had cared. Not even his parents. Everyone blamed him for Rui's death. He blamed himself, too. Everyone did.

Everyone but her. She was different. _It was an accident, _she told him. _She sacrificed herself to rescue you from that accident. If you keep on blaming yourself like this, Rui would never be able to rest in peace. _Everyone knew about the accident. The accident made him notorious in school - _I caused my sister's death - _which was why everyone abandoned him. Left him alone.

Only _she _never did such a thing. The only friend he had...the popular blonde girl everyone in school looked up to. Despite her social status, despite her fame and reputation, she never abandoned him. He had to wonder why.

He had to wonder why she bothered to befriend him in the first place. He was so unimportant. Just one face in a crowd of thousands. What made her notice him, of all people? What made her want to comfort him about Rui's death? He forgot how many nights he spent, lying awake in bed, beating himself up over the accident. _If only I had looked before I crossed the road - I was the one who should have died, not Rui!_

_She saw the car coming, she pushed me away, but she couldn't avoid the impact in time..._it was all his fault. Everywhere, in his room, little reminders of his sister lingered. Photographs of them together, laughing, smiling. Gifts from her. Her room, now empty, had been turned into a shrine by their mourning parents. _They always preferred her over me. Rui was the perfect child. I was anything but perfect._

Even his own family shoved him away. He was starting to sink into an abyss of his own making as well, wallowing in the black guilt that was heaped onto his head, day after day after day. _But Rei, it isn't your fault. It was never your fault. It was an accident. Rui wouldn't want you to keep blaming yourself over her death! _Those words drew him back from the edge.

Those words made him realise that indeed, Rui wouldn't want him to keep suffering. _She saved me for a reason. So I could keep on living. Rui and I were close...she wouldn't want me to keep torturing myself this way. Would she? _He wondered why he hadn't thought of this sooner. Because no one had ever told him that before?

_You're nothing but a waste of space. You caused your sister's death. You should have been the one to die, not Rui! Rui was perfect and wonderful, the kindest, friendliest girl anyone could have the fortune to meet. You're nothing like her. You're just a waste of space, Rei Kagene..._he could see all that, lurking in the eyes of everyone he ever came across.

Because everyone knew it was his fault. Their gazes, all filled with condemnation - because he was stupid, because he was a loner, because he was supposed to be the one who died. Not her. No one ever cared that, inside, he was hurting too. No one ever realised that he wished he could just join his sister. There was nothing left in this world for him, now that she was gone.

But _her _words...they made him think anew. No one but her had ever said that to him before. The possibility that it wasn't _solely _his fault - that his sister wouldn't blame him for causing her death - it was like...a weight was lifted from his shoulders, then. It took her a while to finally figure out that it was the accident which bothered him so much. It had taken her a while to befriend him. He didn't open up easily.

_''Hey, Rei, do you mind if I asked you to be my partner for the Science project? I heard that you're really good at science, so I was thinking...we could do the project together?''_

_''Oh...why don't you ask Gumo? He's good at science too, and he's your friend, isn't he? I...I actually prefer to do my work alone. Sorry.''_

_''But...I want to do the project with you, not with Gumo. I...I want to be your friend, Rei!''_

_Friend? What is...a friend? ''...fine. But just this once. I'm not going to work with you anymore after this. And...I don't need friends, Lenka. I'm the school loner. Friends aren't for loners.''_

_''No! Everyone needs friends, Rei. It's not possible for someone to remain alone forever, you know. We all need someone to confide in. It's only then can we feel complete, like we're not missing something from ourselves.''_

Her words made sense, but he never wanted to admit that out loud. Especially not to her. Or to himself. Maybe it was because of his pride, as a loner. _Friends? I don't understand...what are friends? _All he saw, day in and day out, were people mocking him for being who he was.

He told her that he would only work with her for that one project - but surprisingly, he found that she was a good partner. She wasn't the ditz that he had imagined her to be. She was well-liked, but she was down-to-earth. She wasn't someone who went around, flaunting her fame or wealth or whatnot - she was just...Lenka.

She was quiet and thoughtful, she did her fair share of work, she even offered opinions and advice whenever he was stuck on something. That was why he gradually came to trust her - because she, of all people, bothered to look past the aloof surface, to the tormented soul underneath. She stuck by him, even though anyone else would have pushed him away ages ago. She made him feel less...lonely.

He still had to wonder why she did such a thing. Did she benefit from it in any way? He didn't think so. He was not the friendly type. He was nothing like her. He didn't help her with her image at all. Didn't she fear being mocked or ridiculed by her other friends? _Oh, look. She's hanging out with that loser Kagene again. It makes me wonder what she sees in him._

He heard all those comments before, several times. He always tried his best to ignore them, but sometimes, no matter what he did, their words would get under his skin, running around his head, making him wonder - _what does she see in me? Is she just making use of me? Am I nothing but entertainment, in her eyes?_

She always told him no. And her words would soothe him for a little while, before the next round came again and he would have to steel himself against even harsher jibes. It took him everything he had, to not give in to the pressure and start whining like a little child - _why me? What did I do to ever deserve all this? To be treated like nothing more than an outcast..._

But he never let his cold exterior break, not for a single instant. The only one who had ever seen him break down before was her. He knew he could trust her. He knew that he could be himself in front of her, without having to worry about what she thought of him, or if she would make fun of him afterwards. She was his only friend, the only person in the world who cared about him. Because otherwise, he was alone.

_''You don't have to force yourself to be strong all the time. To remain so unemotional, like you don't care about anyone. It's okay...to show your weak side, every once in a while.''_

_''...leave me alone, Lenka.''_

_''I'm not leaving, Rei. I know you don't really consider me a friend yet - more like someone you're able to tolerate working with - but remember what I said? At some point in their lives, everyone will need someone to confide in. I'm always here for you, Rei. Remember that. You don't always have to be alone.''_

_''...am I supposed to thank you for that? I've already said before, I don't need any friends. You don't have to pity me or anything.''_

_''No. There's no need to thank me. Just know that you're not alone. You're never alone, Rei, despite what you might think. All right?''_

He hadn't meant to break down before her, that time. They had been working on yet another project together - he had reluctantly agreed to work with her on all future projects, after he realised that they worked well together - and she happened to stumble across him, trying to hide from the world, from his memories, from the daily condemnation he had to endure.

He hadn't been crying. He hadn't been doing anything other than just staring blankly into space. He told her that he needed to take a break for a while. Perhaps she got worried because he was gone for so long - either way, she left the school library to look for him, and she had found him sitting alone in the cafeteria. Just staring into space. Maybe she could just sense there was something wrong with him.

She sat next to him. He didn't bother to move away, and she just stayed and watched him. After a while, he finally got tired of the silence between them, and he asked her why she was there. _''I said that I just needed a break. You should be working on the project, Lenka.''_

She just smiled back at him. It annoyed him a little, but he made no move to show that. After a few moments, she finally spoke..._''You're upset, aren't you? Your eyes say it all. Even if you try to keep up this stoic facade, your eyes can't lie. The eyes are the windows to the soul, you know? And right now, your eyes are sad.''_

_''What do you know of sadness? You don't know anything! You're just...you're the popular one. You never had to worry about being looked down upon, or people mocking and ridiculing you...you're always happy! Why did you even try to talk to me? I'm just a nobody to you.''_

_''Rei...don't say that you're a nobody. I might not understand what you're going through right now, but it isn't fair that you have to go through all this when it was never your fault. You can't seem to let go of the past, and that makes it hard for you to look forward into the future. It's preventing you from thinking of happier memories, and better possibilities.''_

_''...you don't even know what I'm thinking about. Don't pretend that you know me.''_

_''You're thinking of your sister. I know. The whole school knows. It's all you ever think about. We can all see the disappointment and regret in your eyes, Rei. But you shouldn't shut yourself out just because of that. Okay?''_

_''...why do you even care, Lenka?''_

_''Because I want to be your friend, Rei. That's all there is to it. It's not because I pity you or anything like that. I just want to know you.''_

_''There isn't anything special about me.''_

_''No, there are lots of things that are special about you, you just don't open your eyes to see them all. Stop bringing yourself down, Rei.''_

Grudgingly, he allowed her to befriend him. She made an effort, and he was someone who appreciated effort. They were good friends, and that was all there was to it. How could someone as hopelessly pathetic as him ever hope for something more, from her? She was the ever-popular golden girl. He was nothing but the black sheep of the herd, drifting through his life aimlessly without any goal in sight.

He didn't know when he started falling for her. She was just his friend, wasn't she? He ought to be grateful that someone like her even wanted to befriend a loner like him. But then...he couldn't stop himself from wanting more, after a while. She was the only person who could understand him. She was the only one who didn't ostracise him. She treated him like he was normal. Not like he was a murderer.

He wasn't really sure whether it was simple gratefulness, or actual infatuation. Sometimes, it felt like a little mix of both. But he knew he had no chance, because she was going out with another boy named Kaito Shion. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple - a popular boy, and a popular girl. Even he thought they were right together. A picture-perfect couple.

She would never fall for him, given how strange he was. A drifter, a loner, someone without a proper place in the world. They were only friends, and everyone knew it. She knew it. He knew it. And hoping for more was something pathetically stupid. _He _was pathetically stupid.

He glanced up, looking across the room. She looked up too, meeting his gaze. Her bright blue eyes danced with merriment, and she smiled at him, waving a little. He just nodded his head in acknowledgement, looking back down at his table. He knew her face fell. Just a little bit.

He had to wonder why she wasn't happy. He wished he could make her happy that way, but he knew that she would never accept him, nor would he ever dare to confess to her. They were only friends, and anyway, she already had a boyfriend...a boyfriend she was happy with. A boyfriend who did not happen to be him.

_Still. I want to try and solve the puzzle that is her heart. If I reached out to her, just once..._

_Maybe._

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She was always watching him.

He didn't notice. But she was always, always staring at him - the way his raven black hair glimmered softly like a starless night, how his honey-coloured eyes were always so mournful and sad, the way his lips would tilt up, just a little, if he found something funny. She found all that strangely...magnetic. So attractive that she couldn't help feeling rather repelled by him.

She didn't hate him, or anything like that. She just found him a little strange at times. He wasn't anything like her - he was so different from her that, at times, they seemed like two different species altogether. He was the school loner, drifting around with no aim or cause. She was the famous one, and everyone knew who she was. Since she was considered popular.

So she didn't quite know why she suddenly went up to him one day, asking him for his name. She was frozen, not knowing how to stop herself from talking. He just stood there, staring at her with those mournful honey eyes, and he most likely thought that she was insane or the like.

_''Why are you talking to me, anyway?''_

_''I...I just wanted to talk to you for once! Is there really anything weird about that?''_

_''...yes. It is weird. And you know that.''_

_''Well...there isn't anything wrong in trying to make a new friend, is there?''_

_''...I don't need any friends...''_

They became friends after that, despite what he said. She knew about the rumours surrounding him. People whispered about him, saying that he was the cause of his twin sister's death. Her name was Rui Kagene, and she was the perfect daughter. Sweet, charming, pretty, kind, smart. Everything any parent would want in a child.

And one day, sweet, pretty little Rui Kagene died, because her twin brother was careless and stepped out in front of a speeding car. She managed to push him out of the way, but she herself was hit by the incoming vehicle, and she died on impact. So, because of that, everyone blamed her brother for causing her death. But that was stupid. It was a stupid excuse.

It wasn't his fault. Maybe, if he had looked both ways before crossing the street, such a tragedy could have been avoided...but he shouldn't be blamed for the death of his twin. _Does no one consider the fact that he probably tortures himself every day because of that? He doesn't need anyone else pointing fingers at him, whispering behind his back. _Surely Rui wouldn't have wanted this to happen to her brother.

If Rui hadn't cared for her twin, she wouldn't have saved him from the car, sacrificing herself in the process. And a sister who cared wouldn't want her brother to be blamed and condemned for something he didn't wish to happen.

She had to wonder why he was always beating himself up over this, when it wasn't his fault. She was curious about him, about why he was this way - which was a reason why she asked him to be her partner for the Science project. Because she wanted to find out more about him, to try and solve the puzzle within him.

_''But only this once, you know. Working alone...it's better than having to deal with people. I really hope you can understand that, Lenka.''_

_''Yeah. I understand that. Still...why do you always try to push people away, Rei? It's almost as though you're frightened of letting people get close to you. But...that's not it, is it?''_

_''...it's not any of your business...''_

_''Have you tried to make friends before? I'll be frank. You know that people make up a lot of rumours behind your back. If you tried to make some friends, maybe that would stop them.''_

_''Nothing will stop them. They're determined. Besides, I don't mind. It's my fault, anyway...that's true. I'm used to people whispering about me, so it doesn't matter whether or not they choose to stop. It makes no difference.''_

She had to wonder why he was always acting this way. Like he didn't care when, in fact, he did care. She knew he cared deeply about what other people said. If he didn't care, his golden eyes wouldn't darken every time people talked about him. He wouldn't stiffen whenever people quietened around him, making it obvious that their whispered conversations were about him. Only someone who cared would do this.

_Yet, why don't you ever let anyone know how much pain you carry, inside? _She noticed. Those golden eyes..._the eyes are the windows to the soul. _No matter how stoic he tried to be, he couldn't hide everything away. He couldn't hide the pain forever. No one could be invincible or heartless. It just wasn't possible for such a thing to ever happen, no matter what he might wish. Those were self-deluding thoughts.

But she wasn't much better than him, actually. Self-delusion. She was as much a victim of that as he was, wasn't she? She always tried her best to be as good as her older brother. He was the perfect one, the role model, the person everyone thought was truly perfect.

Len Kagamine...her elder brother. Everyone thought that she was well-liked. That she was popular. But in truth, she knew that without her brother, she was absolutely nothing. He was the reason why she was famous, why everyone doted on her. He was the golden boy. She was the golden girl who stood in his shadow. She was simply grabbing faint wisps of attention - for she was nothing compared to Len.

Her parents tried not to make their preferences obvious, but she knew perfectly well who they cared more for. _You should be more sociable, like Len! You should do better for your tests, your elder brother topped his grade every year, you know. Why don't you ever invite your friends around? Len is so popular - surely you have plenty of friends, too? _Always being compared. Always being treated as inferior.

It wasn't that her parents disliked her. It wasn't that she hated her elder brother. She was just tired of always being compared, all the time. Of always struggling to make a name for herself, outside of Len's shadow. Even her name...her name was Lenka. Even her name reminded her of her brother. Everything she did reminded her of him. She could never escape the reminders.

_It's not fair. _But Life was never fair, was it? She was born as the younger sister of someone the whole world considered perfect. Len was good at everything. He was handsome, witty, sporty, charming. He was well-liked, and he had the prettiest girl in his level as his girlfriend - a slender tealette known as Miku Hatsune. In short, he was everything she tried to be, and everything she couldn't reach by herself.

Perhaps that was why she suddenly wanted to talk to _him. _Because he, of all people, would know what it was like, to always be compared against someone else. Someone better. It was not as obvious for her as it was for him, but the pressure that came with trying to conceal all of her insecurities...it was breaking her inside.

She respected him for how stoic he was. There was no way she could ever remain so calm, no matter what she did. She had never before witnessed him really, really breaking down - maybe he had, and she just didn't see it - but she couldn't hide her own feelings. Hiding in the toilet, crying her heart out, trying not to let anyone hear her...trying to hide everything.

_No one else understands. _No one else knew how much pressure was heaped upon her, every day. All the expectations she had to meet. People thought she was happy, cheerful and bubbly. The ever-popular golden girl. But that wasn't who she wanted to be. She didn't want to be popular. She didn't want all this fame. She just wanted to hide somewhere, all alone.

She was weak. She couldn't lie to herself, or try to delude herself into believing otherwise. She knew that, in comparison to him, her situation was much better - yet he was the one who took it all in his stride. He never paid any attention to rumours, or to what people thought of him. He just remained who he was, and continued in his ways to be. He didn't force himself to meet the expectations of other people. He was...Rei.

But sometimes, she thought that his life was quite a lonely one. Lonely, distant, without a single goal in sight. The aimless, spiralling life of a wanderer, with no fixed home or path. That was why friends were important. Friends were anchors, people who chained you down, making you remember what was your purpose in life.

_Without friends, one would lead a pointless existence...a life where they didn't affect anyone or anything at all. _Friends were the most important thing a person could have, in the course of his or her life. Friends were solid proof that you _existed. _Friends were proof that you were more than just a figment of one's imagination, more than just a wisp, a fragment, a story slowly unravelling into tiny tatters.

She had to wonder why he didn't want to have friends. Why he insisted on shouldering all of his problems by himself. She knew that he wasn't the most trusting of people, given the way so many of their schoolmates talked about him. But it was harsh...to not accept at least one person into his life. Didn't he ever feel the urge to confide in someone, whenever his problems became too much for him to overcome alone?

_''You only tried talking to me because you pity me, right? You're nothing like me, after all. But if that's the case, I don't need your pity.''_

_''I-I don't pity you, Rei. I just wanted to talk to someone who...knows what it's like to face up to expectations. To always be compared.''_

_''...what do you mean by that?''_

_''It's...it's nothing. Pretend that I didn't say anything. It's not important, anyway.''_

_''To always be compared to someone. You? But compared to who? Your elder brother, Len? Yeah...I get how that must feel. But to tell the truth, I'd rather be in your shoes, Lenka.''_

_''Why? And how did you even know what I was talking about...I already said it was nothing.''_

_''Why? At least your brother is still alive. It's best that you appreciate whatever you have. We never know how much time we have, you know. Before we're forced to let go. And as for how I knew...it was obvious enough. There isn't anyone else for you to compare yourself against, is there? It's always our siblings.''_

_''Always our siblings...because there's no one else we can compare ourselves with. That's true. You're very observant, aren't you, Rei?''_

_''Observant? I'd prefer not to be known as that. When you keep to yourself as much as I do, you tend to start...noticing things. About yourself. About people. I don't think that friends are the most important thing in the world. What is important is...knowing yourself. And making sure that, no matter what happens, you don't allow other people's opinions to change you.''_

_''...you sound really wise, Rei. I never knew how you could handle all the rumours about yourself without reacting in any way. Maybe I should have learnt from you, right from the very start.''_

_''...maybe...''_

They were friends. She was his only friend, and he was her only true friend. The only person who knew what she was actually like. She could talk to him about anything, and he would listen to her with a thoughtful look on his face, and she would know that he was genuinely listening to whatever she was talking about, at the moment. He was the only person who could actually understand her. The real her.

Maybe that was why she started falling for him. But she knew that to like him was stupid. She was nothing but a friend to him, and he would never return her feelings, for he saw her as no more than a mere friend. She knew what he was like - she knew he wasn't interested in relationships beyond a mere platonic level.

She was so stupid, to fall for him like that. She could never quite guess at what, exactly, he was thinking, even though they were good friends. Best friends, even. _He's always lost in his own world, thinking that he caused his sister's death...no matter how hard I try to convince him that it isn't really his fault, some doubts still linger in him. I can tell. He wouldn't be interested in...relationships. Not at all._

It was ridiculously unfair. She tried to get over her infatuation with him, she really did try, but she just couldn't seem to do it. He always had to show up in her every thought, worming his way into her mind, and she couldn't get him out. In a desperate attempt to forget, she actually agreed to go out with Kaito Shion, a popular boy from another class, a boy she had no romantic feelings for - but that didn't work, either.

It just made her feel guilty, because she was simply using Kaito as a mere substitute for what she could never have. She was foolish, to keep on clinging to an impossible infatuation, but try as she might, she simply couldn't let go. She just couldn't let go of her feelings, the same way he couldn't let go of his sister's death.

She glanced across the room, looking at him again. He was already looking at her this time, a quizzical look in his honey eyes. She smiled back, her heart sinking a little in her chest. He tilted his head, a look of confusion on his face. It was one of the rare few times she didn't see him expressionless. He was usually so stoic...

She had to wonder why he was confused. Had she done something that was unlike her normal behaviour? Did he manage to find out that she was...that she liked him? She hoped not. Since nothing would ever come out of her feelings for him, it was better that he knew nothing about her crush...so things wouldn't be awkward between them, in the future. Just in case.

_Still. I want to try and solve the puzzle that is his heart. If I reached out to him, just once..._

_Maybe._

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_**Solitaryloner: **__Ah, I'm sorry this took so long and it's not really one of my better stories and it's actually pretty short and stuff ahhhhh. It is also not beta-read yet, so please excuse any grammar errors. I hate beta-reading omg._

_Anyway, I was seriously ill while I was writing this so I'm using my illness as a legit excuse as to why my writing standard has dropped. I'm really sorry, The Musing Airhead. If you're not happy with this just tell me and ahhh I don't know I'll do something about it I'm sorry haha omg I'm a terrible and irresponsible person._

_Does this even qualify as a bitter-sweet ending lol this is terrible I am a horrible failure. Please review for this horrible failure ahhh I'm sad._


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